Call me by my name
by wildmagesapprentice
Summary: Sometimes, all you need is someone to bring you back to yourself. (Spoilers for Bitterblue)


Bitterblue was wrong about the journals. She hadn't been ready to read them. And especially not by herself, on the anniversary of Thiel's death. She shivered, tugging her blanket tighter around her shoulders. Lost in thought, she didn't even notice Helda coming in until she gasped, taking the journal from her and sitting beside her on the sofa.

"Lady Queen, look at me." She urged, taking Bitterblue's hands in her own. Bitterblue turned, staring at her numbly.

"Lady Queen, your hands are like ice. You're shivering. Such things are not for you to read alone." Helda frowned, tucking the blankets more snugly around her. When Bitterblue still did not respond she sighed. "I'll send up one of your young men. They always seem to return you to yourself." She left, and Bitterblue returned to staring into space.

A time later the door opened again and someone entered. The figure kneeled before her and took her hands, and suddenly she could breathe because it was Giddon, Giddon was kissing her hands and holding then to his cheeks, staring up at her.

"Do you know what he did to the ones that were pregnant, Giddon?" She whispered, lips numb.

"Bitterblue. Stop it." He shook his head. And then he was teaching for her, pulling her into his lap. She began to cry then, tears rolling silently down her cheeks and soaking into Giddon's shirt. He held her until the tears stopped, rocking her slightly to soothe her.

"Oh Giddon." She said, pulling back to look at him. "I need to read them, but how can I when every page has some new atrocity?" Her shoulders sagged. "I need to know what he did. Thiel's deserves that much, he deserves for someone to know what Leck did that cost his sanity."

He smoothed her hair away from her face, thinking. "You're right, of course," he said, "But tonight I think you need to sleep. You're shaking, and cold and you look exhausted. Thiel loved you, Bitterblue. He'd hate that you were making yourself ill over him."

That set off another round of tears, which stopped only when she'd cried herself out well and good and Giddon's shirtfront looked as if it'd been caught in a rain shower. She took one look at his expression and laughed, setting off a grin from Giddon as he held the fabric away from his chest. "Well." He said, raising his eyebrows. "You've saved the washerwomen some work."

Bitterblue smiled sheepishly. "I hope it wasn't a good shirt."

"Not particularly."

She nodded. "Giddon?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I kiss you? I think it might return me to myself."

Giddon's eyes softened. "You need never ask me that. You know my feelings for you. Of course." He leaned in, pressing his lips to hers in a feather light kiss before pulling back. Bitterblue made a face and he chuckled in his throat, a strangely pleasing sound, and kissed her again. She responded with enthusiasm, and when she bit his lip he made another noise in his throat and pushed her back against the sofa, one hand gripping the cushions behind her head. It was thrilling to kiss Giddon. Usually so poised and elegant, he came apart in their embraces and sparked a slow burning desire within her. When they finally separated Bitterblue was flushed, her heart hammering in her chest. But she felt more alive than she had all day. Giddon pushed a hand through his hair, smiling slightly in a way that was endearing. And suddenly her heart lurched, because it was night and she'd have to sleep alone.

"Stay with me." She pleaded, gripping his shirt.

"Bitterblue-"

"Please, Giddon. I can't be alone tonight. No one will talk. Please."

He was silent, thinking, and she was afraid he would go. "Okay." He said finally, nodding. "I'll stay."

She kissed his hand, eyes bright. "Thank you."

Bitterblue grew shy again when they were in her bedchamber. Giddon smiled fondly, kissing her temple before helping her unlace her gown, chivalrously looking away as she changed into a shift. When he began to unbutton his shirt she found it was not so easy to be chivalrous. Giddon's chest was more slim than muscular, and his arms looked strong. The hair on his chest and arms was the same colour as that on his head, and grew quite neatly into a line that led beneath his waistband.

She blushed when he caught her looking, and he laughed. "If I kiss you, will you relax?" He teased, holding her chin lightly between thumb and forefinger. Bitterblue swallowed, exceedingly aware of his proximity and his effect on her. It was unfair that the power of said effect should be doubled by the removal of something so innocuous as a shirt. His lips brushed hers and then drifted to her jaw, her cheek, her neck and then down to her shoulder before she tugged him back up to kiss him properly, wrapping her arms around him. Giddon's response was to scoop her up and deposit her on the bed, kissing her fervently as her hands traced his chest, his arms, his back. Somehow whilst he was dropping open mouthed kisses along her throat she found the power to gasp "I have seabane.", before inhaling sharply as his teeth grazed her skin.

Giddon paused, looking at her intently. "Are you sure? I don't want to dishonour you. I'm-"

Bitterblue pulled a face. "I swear by my crown Giddon if you say anything about not being a noble, I'll-"

He grinned. "You'll what?"

She kissed him, then tugged her shift up and off. His expression changed, eyes darkening in a way that sent delicious shivers through her body. "I'm sure." She said.

Giddon kissed her.

Much later Bitterblue lay facing him, drawing patterns over his arms with her fingers. Giddon silently captured the erstwhile hand, kissing each fingertip before pressing a kiss to the base of her wrist. She shivered, smiling at him. "That felt nice."

"I imagine I could find lots of other places that would feel nice when I kiss them." He replied, eyes teasing.

"I'm sure you could," she retorted. Her efforts at being suave were thwarted when she yawned, and Giddon tugged her close to him. "Sleep," He murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."

*

When Helda woke her the next morning Bitterblue was momentarily confused to discover Giddon missing from her bed. Helda noticed her confusion and sniffed. "Lord Giddon has been awake some time, Lady Queen. He's in your sitting room, along with your breakfast. I should imagine he's eaten most of it by now."

Bitterblue blushed at Helda's quiet acceptance of Giddon as her lover, and blushed again as Helda dressed her and clucked over the marks of Giddon's lovemaking. She was sure she must have been positively scarlett by the time she joined Giddon in her sitting room, drinking tea and looking entirely unruffled. As she sat he pushed a cup across to her, quirking an eyebrow at the small pouch of seabane discreetly on the saucer. Helda, she thought fondly. Swallowing them down, she ate in comfortable silence. She thought fondly of Helda yet again when she bustled out with the tray, leaving her alone with Giddon. Bitterblue stood and walked around the table to him, kissing him thoroughly. She felt his grin as he pulled her into his lap.

"It's very difficult not to just take you back to bed with me." He said when they finally broke apart, and she laughed.

"I have queenly things to do, Giddon," she rebuked, and then softened. "I'll see you at dinner." He kissed her fingers, and she left. What followed was one of the most tedious days in Bitterblue's memory. A dozen charters, a review of the plans for another school (which was at least vaguely interesting, and then another mountain of miscellaneous paperwork just to insure her fingers would never function again. They finally released her around sunset, and she thanked her clerks, kissed Rood on his papery cheek and left. Then came the most regal sprint she could manage, nodding at her courtiers as she went.

When she reached her sitting room door she froze, for there were several voices coming from inside. With one hand tucked into her sleeve to reach her knives she pushed the door open, and was thrilled to discover Po, Katsa and Bann sat at her table. And then Katsa was hugging her and Po was hugging her and Bann was hugging her, and she was gripping their hands and speaking excitedly. "Where's Raffin? He must know you're here. Don't tell me you haven't told him either? And Giddon? Did he know? Where is he?"

Po laughed. "Slow down, Beetle. They'll be here soon. Come and sit."

She did, and they regaled her with stories of their exploits in all corners of the known world, with Katsa particularly proud of how she'd managed to "acquire" an entire stable of Randa's best horses for Council use, and been disinherited yet again for her troubles. Bitterblue never laughed like she did when they were all here together, gathered in her sitting room and sharing stories of their adventures. Po was determined that his flying machine would work, Katsa was determined that, being Graced with survival, she was best suited to try it, and Bann was determined that Raffin best hurry up with his bone-strengthening tonic if they were going to go jumping off buildings with canvas sails strapped to their backs. When the door opened to admit Raffin and Giddon her heart skipped a beat, and she looked to Po. Say nothing, she thought, and he frowned minutely before taking on an expression of extreme amusement. She turned to look at Giddon, who watched Po warily before looking at her. She smiled slightly and he visibly relaxed, taking a seat between her and Bann, who was embracing Raffin.

"Well," announced Po, looking at them all before fixing his eyes on Bitterblue."Isn't this marvellous?"

Later that evening, whilst the others were involved in a heated game of Liar's Dice which Po, of course, was not permitted to play, he cornered her.

"How are you, Beetle? I know yesterday can't have been easy." His eyes were full of concern.

She hugged him. "Oh Po. It gets easier the more time that passes, but it doesn't hurt less." Po kissed the top of her head, and the two were silent for a moment before she pulled away.

"So you and Giddon are lovers now?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

Bitterblue sighed, rubbing her temples. "It's all very new, Po."

"But you've taken him to bed with you."

She swatted his arm and he grinned. "Only once! Besides, I'm a grown woman. I can make my own decisions, cousin mine."

"He loves you." Po murmured, and she smiled slightly.

"I know. He's very dear to my heart as well." She winced. "But please, don't go prying. I neither need or want you to know what I choose to do with Giddon."

He pulled a face. "Trust me Beetle, I've no desire to know those things either." Then he pulled a different face. "How did you intend on telling Katsa?"

"Balls."


End file.
